Professor of Logic Tanya D’Profesa horrifically stubbed her toe on the edge of her desk on April 1. Two police cars, two ambulances and a fire truck were sent to campus to ensure her safety. 

“It was the darkest moment of my life. There was a second where I wasn’t sure I was going to make it,” D’Profesa said. As a tenured professor, she was given a paid two-year sabbatical to recover from the traumatic incident. 

D’Profesa was placed in a neck brace and removed from Dwire Hall on a stretcher carried by six men, who fanned her and fed her grapes imported from the Champagne region of France. 

One of the police officers on the scene, Awana Doenut, said this kind of thing takes top priority for the city’s emergency response teams. “There’s a 17-car pileup on I-25, but this is so much more important,” Doenut said. 

As the incident unfolded, The Scribe asked a lecturer with a bullet wound for a comment, but he declined, as he was on his way to teach two classes simultaneously for $20 in Clyde’s Cash that will expire next week. 

Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe. 

Emergency vehicles outside of Dwire. Photo by Tori Smith.