Disclaimer: This article depicts ancient, historical and fantastical violence as if it had taken place on the UCCS campus.
In the ninth year of combat, the Trojan War saw its biggest face off on Saturday. Swift footed Achilles, champion of the Greeks, and Prince Hector, heir to the Trojan throne, faced off in a battle to the death.
To provide neutral ground for both competitors, Odysseus, chief strategist for the Greeks, decided the battle would be held on the UCCS campus. “We needed a place neither of the competitors was familiar with … it evens the playing field.” Odysseus said.
The build up to the competition was tense. Achilles killed so many Trojan troops, the River Scamander (who jumped at the opportunity to flow through a new campus) began to overflow its banks. “That was not pleasant,” Scamander said. “I try to keep a nice clean home, and here comes this Greek throwing corpses into it.”
After crossing Scamander, Achilles found Hector standing outside the El Pomar Center. “That boy was shaking like a leaf,” Greek ally and Goddess of War Athena said.
When Hector spotted Achilles, he took off toward the Gateway Garage. Achilles pursued the prince through the rugged landscape, only tripping up the stairs once.
Eventually tiring, Hector made his final stand outside Columbine Hall. The two national champions began their battle with speeches. “Achilles, I won’t run from you anymore,” Hector said. “Perhaps before we begin, we could talk a few of our issues out.”
In response, Achilles hurled his spear at Hector.
Ducking the spear, Hector took aim and threw his own spear at Achilles. The spear hit the middle of Achilles’ shield, throwing him off balance. Hector drew his sword.
Charging toward the Greek warrior, Hector slashed at Achilles. Expecting the blow, Achilles raised his shield and thrust Hector backwards.
Lying on the steps outside of Big Cat Coffee, Hector looked up to see Achilles holding a spear above his throat. “It’s not too late to talk this…” Hector said. His words were cut short as Achilles thrust the spear into him.
To celebrate his victory, Achilles stripped Hector of his armor and ordered his chariot brought to him. When the chariot arrived, Achilles strapped Hector’s ankles to the back and dragged his body to the Ent Center.
“In retrospect, dragging his body around wasn’t the best decision I’ve ever made. The horses were exhausted … why is that building so far away?” Achilles said. After the Greek victory, both sides took time to bury their dead. The funeral games for Hector are set to take place Wednesday in the UC, coffee and donuts will be provided.
Achilles earned the Greek’s 6 points for significant wounds inflicted upon opponent. “He was wearing my armor. It’s not that hard to know where to strike,” Achilles said. Hector lost the Trojan’s 4 points for ground impact. He was unavailable for comment due to being deceased.
As it stands, the Greek’s hold the upper hand in the war with 1,206 points to the Trojan’s 1,176 points. The next battle is scheduled to take place between Aeneas and Achilles in the Kramer Family Library. Achilles is favored to win, unless Aeneas receives divine intervention.
Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.
Achilles and Hector. Photo courtesy of Vocal Media.