On March 30, the Colorado Springs Fire Department responded to an emergency on campus. Multiple witnesses reported smoke coming from the Scribe office, located on the first floor of University Center. 

At 6 p.m., firefighters were able to extinguish the fire. The incident was contained in the Scribe office and did not spread to other areas of the building. 

According to the Colorado Springs police department’s incident report, arson has not been ruled out. “We believe the fire was started by a mass of tinfoil placed in a microwave. This fact leads us to believe that this was a planned operation, because nobody could be that stupid,” Detective Sherlock Hemlock said. 

The fire was fueled by multiple pieces of hanging decor in the office. Miraculously, the only item left unscathed was the old Scribe newspaper vending machine. Print journalism isn’t dead, after all! 

An unidentified blue powder was found in trace amounts around the office. Detectives are still running tests to determine the substance, but report that it tastes faintly of blue raspberry. 

Police have not yet apprehended the suspect. On social media, students have started referring to the culprit as the “popcorn pyromaniac.” 

An anonymous source close to the Scribe said that the so-called popcorn pyromaniac is “probably very sorry and didn’t mean to.” 

Onlookers reported an alleged “Scribe journalist” allegedly sneaking out of the alleged crime scene. Luckily, the police have ignored this tip. 

UCCS Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet announced on Monday that due to budget concerns, the Scribe office will be moved into one of the defunct elevators on campus. “We can use the space for something students actually want, like another frozen yogurt machine,” Jobanet said. 

UCCS administrators estimate that the burnt popcorn smell will dissipate in about 20 years, at which point they will begin demolition of the mysterious blue powder. For now, the remains of the Scribe office have been covered by a large blue tarp, several layers of duct tape and several froyo toppings. 

Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe. 

The Scribe office burns down. Photo by Lillian Davis.