UCCS’ first bring-your-kid-to-work day proved disastrous after several staff and faculty members opted to attend with baby goats — literal kids — instead.    

According to Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet, the event encouraged staff and faculty members to come to work with their human children. The mistake became clear as the baby goats ate assignments, furniture and most other items within reach.  

The day began with a Breakfast and Bevs event on the first floor of UC, featuring donuts, coffee, milk and hot chocolate. After finishing all the provided milk, the kids opted for the merchandise in the campus store for breakfast.  

Bookstore employees reported several personal items missing, including key lanyards and a spare set of clothes. Authorities believe the kids also ate those items.  

Professors were expected to teach with their kids in tow, but classes were cut short after the baby goats chewed through paperwork, backpacks and the chairs and tables in the rooms. Some also tried to chew the carpet. 

“I had planned for some classroom distraction – you know, kids are always a bit rowdy — but I never expected them to be so hungry,” said Emily Craig, an associate professor of economics. “I couldn’t even use the projector because the kids would jump on the wall to eat it, but I will say, they’re all very photogenic. Once my new furniture comes in, I’m going to decorate with all the photos we took together.” 

Students reported loud bleating noises. According to several accounts, the bleats appeared to serve no purpose other than annoying the professors.  

“I felt a tug on my leg, so I looked down and there was a baby goat eating my pant leg! Already chewed a hole through and everything, so what could I even do? Now, I have shorts,” said geography major Adam Mount.   

After chewing their way out of the classrooms, many of the kids escaped to main hallways, where they took bites out of all the furniture in their path. Facilities estimated the damage to cost upwards of $10,000.  

According to Jobanet, campus officials are brainstorming how to adjust the budget to account for the extensive damage.  

In the meantime, the new furniture for the library will be rationed across campus. Sitting passes may be required due to the limited supply of seats, but no final decisions have been made.   

If implemented, sitting passes will be available to students, staff and faculty members and cover up to one hour of sitting in a given spot. Those with a photo with one of the baby goats will be prioritized for passes. Goatees are an acceptable substitution. 

“Typically, those without kids just sit this one out. We weren’t expecting so many professors to take the day so literally … or for so many people to have baby goats on hand,” Jobanet said. 

According to Jobanet, UCCS plans to host another “bring-your-kid-to-work day,” but the event information will specify human children only. This change hopes to avoid any future uncertainty from over-exacting professors.  

Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe. 

Photo by Aja Island on Unsplash.