Nothing gets my heart rate up like seeing a comment on one of my articles on Instagram. Wow, what a rush. Is it a fan? Is it a hater? I may be sick in the head, but I love them equally.
Ellie and I swapped columns for the week, which means it’s time for me to roast some real people and real things, not inanimate colors of green or innocent (yet frightening) snowmen built by staff. I don’t know what she’s going to say about today’s music as someone who still listens to the jazz from “Ratatouille,” but you should go see what she’s up to over in Queue it up with E.
It’s about time Ellie let someone a little more ruthless guest on this column. I know we’re all getting tired of her light, fluffy ratings and her knack for sugarcoating. I’m here to go straight for the jugular. If you weren’t ready for me to roast your Instagram comment, you shouldn’t have posted it. It’s knuck if you buck, for real.
I surveyed comments from Fall 2024 to now, and I present you with the most unhinged ones.
1. “Wait what happened?’
Literally read the article??? 0/10.
2. “wait yall post past midnight?”
Narc … mind your business. Past your bedtime. 1/10.
3. “Respectfully, never talk about sports again, especially the NBA.”
Points for proper punctuation and capitalization. But still dissed me on the best (well, maybe second best, my recent kind of ate) sports opinion ever written. Let me cook. P.S. I wrote about the NBA again two weeks ago. XOXO. 4/10.
4. “He’s staring at me with murderous intent”
The Scribe’s scary snowmen spook our readers, which is why I didn’t participate. Bad form, team. 7/10.
5. “Y’all just gotta invite me over and I’ll change your mind”
HUH? I feel unsafe, never mind the context. Freaky fan. -69/10.
6. “Kaylie I’m a big fan of yours can you accept my follow request please”
Sincere, kind fan. Used to be one of my biggest haters. Seems desperate though. I kind of feel bad … except I don’t. (I did not accept this follow request.) -3/10.
7. “what is the point of this article 😭”
What is the point of commenting on this article 😭 -15/10.
8. “Another great article honey!”
Actually sweet and wholesome significant other appreciation, but the jealousy I have cancels out the sweetness. My boyfriend doesn’t even read my articles. How dare this loving partner flex on me like that? Taking it very personally. -6/10.
9. “Whoa, I got all outraged then tried to follow the link in bio which never works. Thank goodness I found it in the UCcs app to read!”
Average Zee’s Mom roast post. Calling her out for lowercasing “cs,” though. Put some respect on proper nouns. 4/10.
10. “Yayyyyy to the person who made ‘link in bio’ work!!”
Full circle moment from Zee’s mom!! 150/10.
11. “AUNT LUCY IS MISSING!?!?”
WHAT?!?! Justice for Aunt Lucy!!! 8/10.
12. “In Zee we trust”
Yeah. 5,000/10.
13. “This girl got fans it seems”
This is true, and I am one of them. 9/10.
14. Original comment: “Jeez.” Reply: “Thanks, Mom.”
I love to see the development of Zee’s relationship with their mom through The Scribe’s work. Wholesome. 17/10.
15. “I LOVE PADDINGTON IN PERU”
ME TOO. Forever will be the peak of Scribe content. I don’t think we’ve ever produced anything better as a team. 100,000/10.
Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.
Graphic via The Scribe archives.