After neglecting his assigned reading over spring break, senior philosophy major Noah Wonders has been forced to enroll for an additional year at UCCS.
Wonders failed to complete the mandatory 3,000 pages of reading assigned by his professors over the break. He was notified by his academic advisor that his only options were an additional year, or the gauntlet of doom. To complete graduation requirements for his degree, Wonders will have to retake the four classes in the 2025-2026 school year.
The short break offered the perfect opportunity to get in some extra reading, according to his professors. “I wanted to relax for once, why should I have to read the entirety of Sigmund Freud’s published works?” Wonders said.
Instead of completing his assignments, Wonders chose to sleep. “The human body only needs about 20 minutes of sleep every three hours,” UCCS student and LinkedIn influencer Chad Buchanan said. “I honestly think he was just being lazy.” The official UCCS Linkedin page commented on the post with a thumbs up emoji and a fire emoji, followed by “ur right king.”
Along with the 3,000 pages of reading, Wonders was assigned a 20-page research paper. “Granted, I could have started the paper earlier … but it was due April 1. I just assumed it was an April Fool’s joke,” Wonders said.
Wonders will have to pay full tuition for the classes he failed. Two of the classes he needs to graduate are only offered every third term. “I’m looking at one more year of school … maybe two,” he said.
Sennifer Jobanet said it was “unfortunate” that Wonders chose to sleep over spring break. “Students need to understand that university is a commitment,” Jobanet said.
The No Homework Club has organized a protest on Wonders’ behalf that will take place on the East Lawn on April 31. “Wonders should get an extension. And while we’re at it … so should everyone else! I’m not naming names, but I know of a few other students who were not productive over spring break,” Berris Fueller, club president said.
UCCS professors were unavailable for comment, but sources close to The Scribe have confirmed that they are very busy not grading your spring break assignments.
Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.
Photo courtesy of UCCS Photography Database.