In a new development, students across UCCS campus have realized that the clock on the El Pomar Center clock tower is analog, not digital, and thus, is completely useless. 
 
This new discovery leaves UCCS students with no way to reliably tell the time other than the sun and their own wits, which has impacted class attendance and general timeliness. 
 
“I’d say it’s about noon,” said Tom Chrone looking at the sky at 4 a.m. last Monday. 
 
Chrone showed up to his 12:05 class around eight hours early. 
 
“I thought traffic seemed light…” said Chrone. 
 
Students’ inability to read the stupid analog clock has raised questions about the way the school uses tuition. “I pay thousands of dollars for them to build a three-story clock I can’t read? That’s like adopting a dog that only speaks French,” said Samantha Burns. 
 
Nontraditional student Isaiah Phelonomy, aged 92 who is majoring in blacksmithing, isn’t having much trouble at all. 
 
“My grandad used to teach me about these pieces of equipment. It took a while, but I got the hang of it,” said Phelonomy, adding that reading an analog clock is harder than driving a car. 
 
Researchers  in the engineering department are looking to provide students with a way to carry around a device that tells them the time of day in their pocket, or maybe even on their wrist. 

While the device remains under development, students have opted for using sun dials, adding that the world will end in 3012.

Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe. 

Photo via The Scribe archives.