Following its public endorsement of do-goodery, elatedness and imagination, UCCS is slated to lose $245 gazillion in federal funding. 

On March 31, a representative from the Department of Sadness and Misfortune announced that UCCS would receive massive funding cuts due to the university’s endorsement of happiness and goodwill. To combat these losses, Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet turned to a new method of budget cuts. 

As of April 1, US rolled out its new letter utting program starting with the letter in between “b” and “d.” Jobanet estimates that US will save $0.50 eah time the letter is ut, saving over $1 million every aademi year. 

“We believe this ost utter will resue US from suumbing to bankrupty. With how effetive the new initiative has been thus far, we hope to see the entire U system join us,” Jobanet said. 

Despite the initial suess of the program, Jobanet found more uts would have to be made to keep US in operation. On April 2, he made the diffiult deiion to ut the letter between “r” and “t.” 

U Provot Vynn Dieler praied obanet’s deiion. “I wa onerned we would have to ut another degree program, but Jobanet olved it,” they aid. 

On April 3, Jobanet releaed another announement cutting all punctuation Thi i etimated to ave 31 million eah academic year  

We are on trak to retain enough funding to only have to ut half of our taff and faulty Dieler aid 

n fnl ttmpt t v the nvrt Jbnt hs mndtd tht ll tdnt mt rnt vwl frm th bktr Ths wnt nt fft t nn n Aprl 4 

Jbnt tld th crbbl tht th nvrt wll llw tdnts t prchs vwl pln wth thr ml pln trtng nxt yr Th pln wll ffr tdnt s t 50 vwl pr yr 

Hpe w n tll ffd t p m nrnbl hhg lr ftr ths bnt d 

ftr th t, glgy mjr twrt Lttl prlmd m prd t b tdnt t  

Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe. We paid $150 to post this statement. 

Graphic courtesy of US.