Students were shocked to discover that UCCS destroyed all parking areas over spring break.
Upon return to campus, commuter students found themselves especially pressed for time getting to class. There were no garages, no central campus lots, no dirt patch called parking. Nothing.
“I am sick and tired of seeing students take to the UCCS Snapchat stories to air complaints about parking,” parking officer Pierre O’Keys said. “Enough is enough. You get what you get, and you don’t throw a fit, and I’ve seen so many fits that I’ve decided it’s time to deprive these whiny students of parking altogether … make them shut up for good.”
O’Keys received approval from Chancellor Sennifer Jobanet, who believes removing parking structures will bring peace to the campus. “Parking is the source of too much stress for our students,” Jobanet said. “Removing parking completely will surely ease students’ minds and reduce feelings of aggression and competition over spaces.”
The Office of Sustainability expressed support for Parking Services’ decision by initiating a walk to school contest. “What a way to save our planet! I mean, it will take time to cancel out the emissions from demolishing the lot,” a sustainability spokesperson said. “But after that, we’re surely saving the planet!”
Students who record the most walk to school minutes will be entered to win a variety of prizes, including a $5 gift card to Cowboy Star, an iPod Nano, a gold star and a pat on the head. Commuter student Stu Pitboy intends to walk from Fountain, roughly 17 hours of walking roundtrip daily.
Students can track their steps in a new exercise monitoring feature of the UCCS App. The Office of Sustainability asks that students direct any issues with the feature to OIT and stop blowing up their email.
Incoming SGA President Hayden Kirk approved of the demolition. “I just hope this leads to some commuter dropouts,” Kirk said. “I can’t think of any more ways to get these people active on campus.”
Stu Ranger, a student offering rides to hitchhikers along The Spine, said the destruction of parking was good for business. “Now I can pick students up from their homes off campus and charge them double. Score.”
Agnes Wilhelmina Thornton III, a student who has been searching for parking since 1974, was distraught by the destruction of the lots. “My chances of finding parking are ruined for good. I had to leave campus when they destroyed the parking lots. It’s been over 50 years. I don’t know where to go now,” she said.
With the sudden increase in available space on campus, UCCS built a Formula 1 racetrack. Students with various levels of driving experience are welcome to cruise the track during non-class hours, 10 p.m. to 5 a.m. Jobanet insists after hours track time is imperative to maintaining academic success on campus.
Residents seem to recognize the track as a distraction. “I looked out my window last night and saw a Ford F-150 tailgating a Bugatti at 3 a.m.,” recalled resident Mona Arch. Another student, Carissa Stone, identified the Bugatti driver as UCCS student Aubrey Graham, also known as Drake, saying he was “cruising around with your mom.”
For students interested in parking pass refunds, all complaints can be directed to O’Keys at [email protected]. Students are required to handwrite “I love Parking Services” 500 times to be considered for a refund.
Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.
Photo courtesy of Preferred Paving.