The athletic department launched the Big Cat Racing League over spring break.  

Tigers, leopards and other big cats participating in the league will run races varying from 60 meters to 3000 meters in length. The team will be coached by mountain lions Clyde and Boomer. The races will be held at the Mountain Lion Fieldhouse.  

“We believe the Big Cat Racing League is a unique opportunity to increase student enrollment. Where else can you watch an Amur Tiger and African Lion race each other?” said athletic director Thoreau Thaball. 

The big cats have been sourced from a local zoo as well as the surrounding wilderness. “The racing team is a great way to bring exposure to the zoo and provide interspecies enrichment for our cats,” a spokesperson from the zoo said. 

In order to secure the funding and facilities for the team, the men’s and women’s track and field programs have been cut. Former track and field athletes have been offered positions as caretakers. The athletic department denies any correlation between this and the recent disappearances of former athletes.  

Athlete-turned-caretaker Aller-Gic Tocats Jr. said the new position has vastly improved his athletic ability. “I’ve gotten so much faster since I’ve started feeding them. Fear is a great motivator,” he said. Tocats Jr. shared that since becoming a caretaker, he’s lost both pinky fingers and has needed stitches on 17 occasions. 

Nala, an African lioness, said joining the team has allowed her to make a name for herself, “I want to be the greatest Nala to ever exist. Ever since that Disney movie in the 1990s every lioness is named Nala, but if I win everything, I will be the most Nala.”  

Bob the bobcat, who was recruited from the Rockrimmon neighborhood, said he is enjoying the luxuries of captivity. “I feel like I’m robbing the school. They mean to tell me that I get breakfast in bed if I run in a circle? Sign me up,” he said. 
 
Currently, the only organization participating in the league is UCCS. Organizations invited to participate include the Colorado Christian Cougars, Colorado College Tigers and the Detroit Lions, among others.  

“I hope the East High Wildcats join,” said visual and performing arts student Musie Call. “I won’t stay for the races, but I want to see Troy and Gabrielle sing the national anthem.” 

The first race meet will be held at the Mountain Lion Fieldhouse on April 1, with Cheetos mascot Chester Cheetah rumored to be in attendance. 

Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.

Graphic by Lillian Davis.