After the demolition of UCCS’ parking lots, students have been competing on a newly-built Formula 1 track for the last remining parking spot. The reigning champions, the Canvas Conquerors, faced off against the underdogs, the TAAP Terrors at their March 31 race.
Other participating teams included the VAPA Vrooms, the Engineering Elites and the Scribe Scribbles.
The race comes as a result of the demolition of all but four parking spots on campus. On Thursday, Sennifer Jobanet released a statement regarding the change of campus property. “You’ve heard of March Madness, now get ready for April Awfulness. In a school where commuters make up the majority of the student body, we’re finding new ways to make you hate coming to class even more,” she said.
Quickly after the statement was released, several student teams came forward to race on the new track. Over 300 students attended the first race. Many watched from the roofs of Columbine Hall and Osborne. Jobanet addressed the crowd from the fancy balcony at the top of the Academic Office Building.
“Because there are only four parking spaces left, the top-performing team has a chance to win a parking spot,” Jobanet said at the beginning of the race on Tuesday. “Given that I need a spot, and my two favorite F1 racers, Lando Norris and Oscar Piastri, need somewhere to park their McLarens to watch the event, that leaves only one spot open.”
Sophomore anthropology major Faste Carr raced for the Canvas Conquerors, and senior music major Wickley Go represented the TAAP Terrors. The race got off to a fast start behind the remains of Gateway Garage. Ruined parking garage spaces obscured the race’s start from the student section.
For most of the race, students relied on drone footage projected on the KFL book to see what was going on. Go took a turn too wide 40 seconds into the first lap and spun out into a side rail near the Roaring Fork. Carr overtook his lead, picking up tremendous speed as she neared what used to be parking at the Ent Center. She completed a full lap in 1:08.273.
Carr finished the race by passing the Academic Office Building in a flash – 10 seconds ahead of Howie Fast of the VAPA Vrooms, who was in second. Carr had a recorded top speed of 176.472 miles per hour. Go was disqualified after trying to charge extra fees to his maintenance crew to help him get back on the road. Slowe Poke of the Engineering Elites went DNF as his car never started.
“It was an exhilarating experience, and I’ll never forget it. I think I’m going to drop out of school and get into F1,” Carr told the Scribble after the race. “My lap times beat my idol, [Lewis] Hamilton. I think I’m ready for the Japanese GP.”
Jobanet presented Carr the prized parking spot for the next 24 hours. After that, it will be up for grabs once again.
“Even with all the money we’ve made off the spectators from this Formula 1 race, we still haven’t managed to pay off the Gateway Garage,” said Axel Weil, director of parking and transportation. “Looks like we’ll be in debt forever.”
The next UCCS Formula 1 race takes place on Tuesday, March 32.
Editor’s Note: Scribble is the satirical section of the Scribe.
Photo courtesy of F1.